finger|print

2003-11-11T20:43:00.000-08:00

the dawn sounded fiercly. it was a tribulation of what was to come. a synopsis into the ears of men and women and children. all on the ground, laid out, waiting.
in the house, it screamed utter silence. every crease, every cranny enveloped and dripping with the murderous sound of nothing. it was uneasy; it was about to tip and pull everyone over, the glass would break today.
in the garden lay remnants of what was. the soil was polluted with scraps of sharp metal and the flowers lay limp, void of springtime exuberance.
...this is the beginning of war

2003-10-26T01:14:00.000-08:00

a moment. caught in your eye. a glimpse into nostalgia, but lost with a wink. you tell me remember and i tell you forget. the moments you made for me only remind me of a past to desperate to understand. the thoughts work in my head and turn over and over like a sleepless night. insomnia is comfort now, it makes it okay to think like this. water runs clear over my hands. wash away everything. like sitting down in the shower. it is desperation, a calling for redemption. ((because sitting on the cold tile floor, water pouring and running over your bare skin. because you are vulnerable, truly and purely. because it's the moment where you could lose everything. because it's a deep longing to give up. because you remember this from last night or last week or last year. because it takes so much less to hide tears when you are on the floor, in the flood. because you think all this will save you.)) stab the white rabbit.

2003-10-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

smudge the light off my face. smudge the blood ridden hands off my soul. smudge me away. a realization, a revelation, another night. this time, there is light in the dark. the dark is pierced with light. thrice thrice thrice. three for gaia. she is birth. she is life. she is death. threes for balance. like a celtic star atop a christmas tree. can i have evergreen in my salad? toss it with your hard work. use everything you've got b.c it's not enough. run, runner, running. cloak yourself with night. with a black sheath. fingers on the floor. flouncing about everywhere. they won't bite. they are a tease to scare away your inner being. we do not like righteous souls here. the corruption runs deep like heroin to a junkie. veins swimming with an old hit that still is eating you. sand is disappearing in your desert. can i turn over your glass? the weight would be a good shatter in coverance. shelter. there, eyes undress me. they take my skin, like a kitty, they want my warmth. a skin coat intertwined with the rope of gore. twisted rotting veins, festering wounds dug from flesh. the scars make it worth nothing or everything. who is the buyer of my tears? i am naked to them, so vulnerable. like rape of being. of life. groping hands into my head and my flesh. i thought these were mine. now: i am molested with thoughts of shiny gleams and severe edges. but like a glass heart dropped into the sea of praisers of the vending machine god. pray for prizes. or prey for prizes. i will become a shadow in this light, life. no substance. just abuse.

2003-10-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

[a dark faerie] tale filled with stories of impurity and self-destruction. ideas wrapped gracefully around your inner insanity. like an asp, around a girl's arm, waiting to strike, pain her awake. everything intertwined delicately like a thorn bush-- so beautiful, yet so dangerous. one prick and she is running in slow motion, every moment a lifetime in this pain, in this light. she is running in slow motion. she is running from fate, from the weird sisters that tell lies of foul and fair. laughter heard all around. not nice, not curious, but the laughter of lust, lust for blood, for bones, for skin so white it haunts your being. the king's court is at trial. they are the witnesses to a crime. eyes are scrutinizing the bunny. he is scared and weeping in the dark corner. they laugh louder now knowing i can hear them. knowing i am listening in to this horror. when at last all this stops it is out of relief. the innocence is lost. the bunny is dead now. they scared him with images of darkness and demons. his virgin blood is forever chaste. talk me into staying. manipulate me with words too large for this pain. a moment's piece is broken. it will never be whole again. 'it's only just begun,' the string will cut with sharpness, a cycle of forever, of regurgitation of life.

2003-10-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

a heart hung heavy on a cross.
waiting for redemption.
the limbs lay limply before a crowd.
dying for perfection.

2003-09-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

sonnet 4.
bunny! bunny! bunny! holding a knife.
twisted maniacal grin; matching shines.
virgin-- an untouched-- white fur stained with life.
festering wound inside his head dines lines
of blood, gore through his eyes a prideful gleam.
the clamour of quiet screams with mourning.
his sanity unfolding at the seam.
a book opened to a gaunt face warning
a forever prophesy of black eyes;
the reflection of a glassy blank stare,
yet, not empty enough to tell these lies.
full of a heavy guilt they do tell, bare
soul to me, like blind son without lust; love
for the liquid murder of the chaste dove.

2003-09-30T00:08:00.000-07:00

sonnet 3.
i know you wish you knew more empathy.
you willn't. you can't. you don't. just stop lying:
all you give me is impure apathy.
i am fed up with this. my slow dying,
a rising star in a city without
a dark: to shield, to protect me and my
curious eyes-- he knows-- take away doubt;
i think with his power truth is now lie,
a blur on a journey to censorship:
where what is real, could be fake too, and now,
the white curtain has come, so bite your lip
long and hard, as long as blood will allow.
take a deep breath and dive into the pool
filled with a black. light! you are but a tool.

2003-09-26T00:59:00.000-07:00

sonnet 2.
for once a random thing that i have known.
is it possible to see it again?
or is once here and there and back to bone
enough for my stardust and night of ten.
a fear upon a fallen arrow hence-
forth comes down a bloodless battle of wits
an undeeming to show intelligence
no more; the brain is dashed complete to bits.
unsung hero of this moment is dead,
bloodless murder has sleepless nights at rest,
a topsy-turvy end at last in bed.
tears do pool and in the wounds they do fest.
under my feet above his head you lie.
fib through gates forever you sign then die.

2003-09-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

a moment suspended over a void. dark depths of fear and lust. hanging delicately, sincerely like an ornament on the holiday of rebirth. turns into a material world where everything so small matters. a stab in the dark, a dripping of release. a freefall to eternity. for-never, this moment will last in my mind. why couldn't this all pass like the night of a wench? instead a caring took over, but a star shines brighter in the mind than in the touch. this isn't me falling, this isn't real. it never is, was. s on the eve fo forever, a whore lost in vulnerability, a new place. like a tripping into the glass orb of a clear life. i will not give in. the warmth is nice but it can not cut through this feeling. a crisp sensation of smooth plains. can you feel the rain falling now?

2003-09-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

i don't even know why i try? honestly your eyes are yelling at me profanities and looking at me like i am scum. not even scum. i am less than that. so is it here with my little inhabitations and you sit there asking me with everyhting in you why i even deserve to sit here. i am sorry i was never enough for you. "what would he do has he the motive or cue for passion that i have?" her imperfections are okay. made over by her beauty. the fact she isn't scum is only b.c she'll sex you here, in fornt of your friends. in front of your judgors. this will make you a god. a sex god b.c you got th easy girl to get you hard. to be yours. her beauty isn't even fair enough to be soemthign inside. she is everything in her materialism. in her bosom dedicated to be the creator of an immortal. all above the rest, above the others. a new god has been added to the mountain, a switch and an underwrold created. fanatical laughter and you are lost in my vision. i will make you everything and then you will fall. to rise again another time, another place. when? it will come. for now look upon my reen dust of a feeling of lust. red switched with green. an opposite side. the warmth will come. a day will dawn. everything shatters to pieces. slip on the shine. i will make you bleed. i will unbirth you.

2003-09-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

apathy. a state where nothing exists. not a care, not a thought to distract me. nothing to distract me from. honestly why should i care?

2003-09-21T02:11:00.000-07:00

all it takes is pixie dust...

2003-09-21T02:09:00.000-07:00

you can't duplicate a human eye. each its own personality. with color and highlights abound. you would do anything to see my eyes the way they really are. 'eyes are the windows to the soul, but i can't see yours. it's like you are playing hide and go seek with me. with your eyes' 'you couldnt be a normal girl and undress me.' so heres the striptease. i liked the globe of stark contrast tonight and i liked the wonderment of having something to do. i even liked you being there. but i can't see your eyes in the dark. then again reality is so far away.

2003-09-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

like sickening photographs from the sidelines of a battlefield, the world turns once more. this time its plot twist is too much for it. the colors blur out and fade to the din of black and white...

[it needs more. i'll finish it later. for now this will be a the first part to your gratification...]

2003-09-16T00:08:00.000-07:00

somewhere out there, there is a girl. soft to the touch. milky way galaxy, innocent eyes with sparklers of star dust sprinkles. a white spot on a harlem bench. through the smoke she stands there, desperate to cling onto the last reputation of the destruction of cities. a sound screeching above all as it drives into and past an eardrum, past the recognizability of the life. a moment in time. a speck on the cloud of the precipitation of something bigger than anything and nothing. it stands as a silent testimony of the screams of a civilization lost. ization stands to gain none but the hierarchy of the heavens. a tormented few, struck to the soul as an arrow through an alembic in her mind. a blind boy stumbles to her feet and she cannot stand the site of it all. a place that must be sacred and scared. for a child reborn unto this earth has uncovered her secret, one that could take it all and leave its calling card still burning from the trip. take away the variable of the chaos and a girl sits. a blind boy bows and hides with his slings. his arrows. unable to sense the terror but feels the fear pulsating through her weakened and glum heart. "take me unto you good sir and rape me from all things past. to new beginnings and fresh starts. take the blood from within and scatter it upon the towers. pour it into the mouth of the fire and then you will see the me." flings her hands into the air and calls to her spirit. a sharp wind falls but alas it is too late. an arrow shot into the heart. a girl killed and a boy done. this is only the beginning. she lives on in the spirit that once was. she lives on the guard tower. on top of the wall. in the knife and bullet. she is every scatter of blood every dropped. she is the aftermath of a mile in shoes too big.

2003-09-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

cruising at ninety, the sun's sweet rays grazing skin. this seems okay. this seems right. wouldn't it be nice if this was everything. wouldn't it be nice if this was reality. a life on the highway, in a fast lane of choices. quick cuts in line and an easier route. memory of seats and grass and outside a stadium full of people. a shirt bought a song sung. too little to realize how fucking cool the world was in that moment. a last good memory of a city hated. remember the art gallery and remember the cocaine and free flowing cash on all night parties. arcades until 2 and 20 stuffed animals. at 8 saw drugs, saw the real world. a place powered by ceo's not really there and the so-called family kept in a house, with swan bathtubs and forts made of paintings, that kinda resembled the white house. big pillars and a spiral staircase. oh and christmas. had a 16 foot tree to go in a 20 foot foyer. would have loved to come down there in a dress for a dance sometime, somewhere. late nights with lucy and dick and mary. a floor covered in barbie shoes and cars. a mattress stacked. a closet full. but a heart empty. a child forgotten.

2003-09-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

fortune chosen:
the smile in your eyes was too much for them

2003-09-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

it scares me how i am nothing to you. the idea that i could be nothing to a person i tell everything. that scares me. you have this life i am not really a part of. and you have tangibles that i have never touched. it scares me because i never realized it. could i be just a pathetic girl you are required to put up with? is everything with you just a front? you seem like youve had enough sometimes. it would be okay if you told me that it wasn't okay. i'd understand. i could pack myself in and never say anything but a required greeting to list friends. and you could say it too. it would be our social contract. and i would slowly become nothing again. my mere existence known and never actually thought about. could i just be a figment of your imagination. i wonder, how many people tell you everythings and nothings? and how many of them do you tell back? is there another weak girl telling you her secrets? is there someone else? i don't know why this bothers me. i don't know.

2003-09-10T23:30:00.000-07:00

she looked like death. skin like lily petals: soft and pure. a white made for faeries and afterlife. skin that barely hung there from her frail frame. she looked innocent and naive and yet so breakable. like a doe learning to walk again. but a look underneath and her heart was the river styx to match her hair. fluffy ponytail on top of her head. like a bunny's puff tail bouncing up and down with every skip of her heart. but her smile captivating, caring. her eyes wide, bright with wonderment and curiousity like that of a starlet. she was so full of emotion and love and lonliness and yet so far away. grasped by her own realm of reality. she was everything and nothing. her walk floated and almost flew there and back again in a moment. her voice soft and loud and interesting all at once. unique. with one word it seduced and provoked and calmed her audience. not an ear dry: wet with knowledge, soaked with ambrosa.

'crawl into me,
sink into me,
die for me,
living dead girl'
-rob zombie

2003-09-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

in a world that is relative i do not feel any relativity. is it supposed to be here, something tangible in front me or am i supposed to feel it staring me in the eye? a downcoming on me with laser vision so sharp. nothing is right, nothing is wrong; then where is this coming from? |i need some water| my mind is racing and a heart hung heavy by a strandless string of gold. will you cut me today? will one more be the knife in this blunt moment? i feel the heat in my heart. a striking flame, flickering sharply the color of sunny dandelion petals, orange and yellow burning. a shivering cold creeps up my spine and i feel it coming forward, past me. into something more. into something bigger. this is bigger than me. |could i have some more please?| your skin creases against the pressure and i cringe. i can't take the annoyancece of it. my fingers turn numb now and i can feel the slipping of an institution below my grips. a 25 hour work day continues again round and round on a journey to nowhere. you can't escape, but you can work harder for your own abomination. your own oppression. marching in a line. step one, step two and back again. repeat it all over again. you can hear them coming. although it is a silent march for everything that you do not believe in. what would you give to know the truth? a world of opposites and everything is coming together. some antagonistic and others protagonal. you are on my slant now. my surreality. listen to the flapping of deaths wings as it comes around |shh| it is coming. now you will see it. feel it. anything for her majesty.

2003-09-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

your eyes scan the see of color, ideas, beliefs. what are you thinking now? how is this to you? a glare and a shake and away you go, transformed into a monster. white with sneering eyes and an unforgiving mouth complete with pursed lips. you have skin as dark as wonderbread and that's all that matters to you, oh powerful one. i bow to you and you kick me in the stomach. slow and painful in my mind. just press pause please. |switch it| boy like wonderbread. dark and smooth on the outside. inside fluffy and white. you bleed white boy. white tears from the shining sun, white breaths from your white lungs. white beats to the rhythm of your drum. step onto the white sand, stark contrast with your toes. dig in a little deeper and you are here. standing in the middle of everywhere. you feel the stare on your back, but where? the rabbit is here and watching and she is telling you things in your mind. flip over | screaming, having a fit. you arent fit to be here. so tell me what makes you so different. what makes you better than me? well now its reversed. | not fit to be here with you i guess. never was. never will be. | only in surreality

2003-09-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

if you just told me it would be okay.

2003-09-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

so you stand on the edge, looking over. peering over and creeping by. no one sees underneath the smile and laughter you fill our hearts with. you gaze at the transparent porclein. so delicate and fine. you stroke the smooth patches in between the scars and wonder 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. i want to look into your eyes and fully understand how youre losing your mind. what's breaking down? what's breaking it? you sometimes have trouble holding back the tears for 'no big deals'. i wish i could hold you. the thoughts in your mind are butchering, i see it in the way your hands shake every so softly and subtlely. i want to take them in my hands and make them stop. i want you to be okay. your eyes have started to show the way you don't sleep. they are revealing too much to us, or so you would say. i miss the sparkle you used to have in your eyes when you smiled. but now a real smile is so seldom i dare not look anymore. i am afraid they have gone into hiding with everything else in your head. i doubt you could really give me one last moment, even if you wanted to. i think you might have lost the struggle in your head. please don't give up. don't give in. i hear your silent screams. i hear the way your voice has started to crack and you cough too much. i think youre distracted by the sounds of scarlet. tears were never enough. could you leave me a space? pure and delicate. i promise it will be worth it. so take this and know youre real. i see you. youre not imaginary to me.
((smash the mirror, smear it red, and show youre real))

2003-09-02T00:41:00.000-07:00

[story of a boy]
there once was a boy,
who lived in the joy
of living everyday,
and he would lay
in the sun's light,
and never a fight
did he start until
it called out 'kill'
it went deep inside
and made a disguise
so there would be more
and more than before.
no stopping it now.
no one would know how.
so there he lay cold
and stiff. life set in gold;
gone forever here
gone without a fear.
brave is what i see
because bravery
is earned not given
by people of tin
with hearts cold and dark
and always the narc.
they might call me naive
their thoughts i will leave.
but boy you were brave
all the way to the grave.
my story is done
hope the boy had fun
because he's done too
so whats left to do?
sleep well.

2003-08-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

theres probably a reason the floor is spinning, there is probably some great scientific explanation as to why i don't spin with it. but for now the floor is enough.

2003-08-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

are you happy now? are you fucking happy now? i hope so b.c im miserable. i hope you know that this could be it. and i would die with you knowing that this is it. this is all i could do. this is the only the only thing i could ever care about. this tells you who i am. i hope this is it. i really do. kill me now. because it doesnt get any better.

2003-08-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

play me the mix tape in your soul. the one that sings the things you feel. i want to hear your sorrows and i want to hear your joys. stop losing now and give me your hand. we could jump into a bigger place. one that sings not of diversity or hatred. it prances through clovers and pansies. it smells sweet like liking alot. never never love. never never old. never never again. i've lost my heart and it will not melt. i cried today. b.c i was done. b.c i wanted no more. she saw me and she tried to hold me but i would let her. she would cry if she could see what i hide. deep, dive deeper. higher dive. let go and fall. let fate guide you. just let go. i think you need to leave. i think it is time i have my time. i make my regrets. so stop, feel me. feel the light i give off. is this bright enough for you. is this fucking good enough for you. good then i will let you regret. i will let you know what you had and what youve lost. and you will never see what you left behind b.c it's me that is leaving. soar into the light. too bright for mortal eyes. quick look again dick. look again dick. where dick. oh you missed it dick. you missed it.

2003-08-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

a serpent of light wrapped into my lense. spinning dials and changing settings. one has to turn out. one. the harsh brake lights contrast the black and white world around me. and there you are. for some reason people are better for me. i think it's the eyes. i can focus in on them. they convey so much emotion yet they never change. so as the shutter flickers i want nothing more than to be a snapshot. a moment in time. 'a picture is worth a thousand words' and i can tell you nine hundred and ninety-nine. but that thousandth one. thats your secret. thats what your eyes won't reveal.

2003-08-19T21:10:00.000-07:00

a summer lost. with one fellow swoop. feelings, emotions smeared across wet pages. my soggy life has become flooded. maybe they were all the tears i wish i could have shed. all those times i would have done anything to cry. but they have finally washed away a sinful period of life. my letters ruined, my words gone. ((everything is so fucked up.)) a wrathful voice in my head shatters my thinking. what do i do now? like a phoenix i rise from the ashes. i take everything you took away and i can smile, unlike you. i feel. it burns inside and the fire is brighter and bigger than anything you could imagine. the embers glow purple and it flickers harshly in your eyes. ((this is me fighting back.)) a new birth. a new period of life. this is okay. i can smear back what i've lost. its like blood, always finding some new skin to stain. my ink will always find a way out. but it bleeds no more tonight and the blood has been cleaned up. the scars of water on inked paper are forever etched. time can't fix these. not again. not ever.

2003-08-18T00:59:00.000-07:00

wrapped around your whore and me in my black whole existence watching you and hoping she has the knife in your back. how's it feel to be the victim. cry.
the smile slips onto your visage quickly and is gone in the same instant. but i still remember that gleam in your eye. the one from sitting on the stone wall. when you held my hand and then i danced with you. a tinkerbell fantasy wrapped in green. but now the green is envy and it is for that smile i hold so undearly. it rained and i thought about you. i thought about the cold january nights. i thought about your laughter warming the air and the intoxicating bittersweet aroma of the air that hung around you, the air i wanted so much to envelop me.
my chance swept away because you were too good to play my games of make believe. you wouldnt be in my imaginary living. the water spraying me in thuds of water. like a clapping audience trying to convey emotions in the sounds of hands. i wanted you to come over and i wanted you to let me live the way i needed to. but you would not have it. no. instead you broke the sprinkler heads. you drove me mad with your antics.
and that time i went walking through the valley in the shadow of death. those screams were for you, i know. but inside i was calling for your shadows. they were my silent screams not wasted on you. because you were already gone.

and that's all i have to say about joe.

2003-08-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

sonnet 1.
wonder; why are all the shadows away
they are playing hide and go seek alone.
did the shadows revel in the death day
of thievery and knifes that cut to bone?
could i maybe see the sun from in here
or is this globe to deep inside this dark
stand on the stage, stop. think. run with the fear
across the grunge of streets and you; but hark
the angel of the dead sings a solemn ode
to the dying light, the birth of sorrow
join the whispering chorus, ease their load
reach the depths of souls, but not to borrow
you must take and slowly drink from the light
feed your selfishness and rise without flight

2003-08-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

'this is the worst vacation ever. i am going to cut open your forehead with a roofing shingle.' xiu xiu